April 23, 2001

Pfizer to Build Theme Park

The logo for PfizerWorld, Pfizer's planned 12 billion dollar theme park.

Two proposed characters for PfizerWorld - Chelsea the Chain-Smoking Chipmunk, and Mo the Impotent Mouse.

he pharmaceutical giant, Pfizer, announced today that it would be building a 12 billion dollar theme park in central Florida. Funded by a consortium of HMOs and government agencies, the park would serve as a vehicle to introduce and promote new drugs to the public. The announement was made by the chief executive officer of Pfizer, Hank McKinnell, surrounded by such notables as chairman of HMO Kaiser Permanente David Lawrence, attorney general John Ashcroft, and vice president Dick Cheney.

Named PfizerWorld, the park will be comprised of a combination of rides, entertainment, and educational exhibits, geared at both adults and children. "It will be a collage of information and fun," McKinnell remarked. Ride names already proposed include The Gonococcal Caves and Heart Attack Mountain.

Also planned are a series of cute animal characters for the park, designed to excite children about science and health. With names such as Alan the Alcoholic Allagator and Diana the Diabetic Dog, each character would have a theme disease that would then serve as a bridge to information regarding a specific Pfizer product. "What better way to educate kids about Viagra than with Mo the Impotent Mouse?" a Pfizer PR spokeswoman told us. Pfizer has already contracted toy manufacturer Hasbro to release a series of PfizerWorld dolls and action figures to accompany the live characters.

McKinnell fended off early criticism that the park was merely an excessive advertising ploy. "Despite what one might be thinking, this is not a extravagant corporate ploy designed to trick the easily led masses into using our overpriced drugs despite the availability of cheaper, more effective alternatives. Our only interest is in educating the public. And if Pfizer gets a little free advertising along the way, well, of course we won't complain."

Also of some concern was the source of the 12 billion dollars needed to build PfizerWorld. One insider remarked, "Who do you think will be paying for this monstrosity? All those CEO's and politicians? No no, that money is coming right out of the public's pockets. This has to be the biggest racket this nation has seen since the JFK assassination, but all it's going to take is one look at those huggable little animals and everyone will decide that they just don't give a damn."

Despite the visible presence of the Bush administration during the announcement, government officials and politicians were surprisingly tight-lipped. "My only comment on the issue is that both the president and I support any endeavor to teach young people about capitalism...wait...I mean about health" Cheney remarked as he was hurried into the presidential helicopter.

Pfizer is scheduled to break ground on the project in about two months, with an estimated completion date of Spring 2003.