An Interactive Guide to Applying for Financial Aid

Provided by The New York Times
So you're in medical school? You can list all of the virulence factors of Staphylococcus aureus, diagram the biochemical pathway for nucleic acid synthesis, and diagnose cutaneous leishmaniasis from across the room, but you are confused about applying for financial aid? Well, don't worry...you're not alone. A recent survey by the New York Times discovered that 98.3% of current medical students agreed with the statement "Financial aid perplexes me." Hopefully, this guide will help.

Contents
Will I need financial aid?
Where does this money come from?
How much will I get?
How will I pay it back?
Where do I sign the dotted line?

Will I need financial aid?

 The first step to receiving financial aid is to determine whether you actually need to go through this mess in the first place. You need to ask yourself some key questions:

1. How much does school cost?
2. How much do I have?
3. Will I have an ethical problem with mugging an innocent old lady once a week to pay for school?

If you know these answers, then it's likely you already know if you need aid. If you are having trouble deciding, let us help (Input all monitary values in American dollars):
1. Annual tuition of your school:
2. Number of years you expect to take to graduate:
3. Total amount of cash and savings:
4. Annual allowance from mommy and daddy:

Where does this money come from?

 Now that you've determined that you need aid, you might be wondering "Where does this money come from?" If so, that is an excellent question. Basically, there are as many different sources of aid as there are students looking for it. Here is just a small sample:

SourceMaximum Amount GivenEase of Applying for Aid
Stafford Loan
(Federal Govenrment)		$18,500 subsidized
$18,500 unsubsidized		Not too bad
Perkins Loan
(Federal Government)		$10,000Easy
Medical School LoanNo maximumEasy
Medical School GrantNo maximumDone without your knowledge
Scholarships for Disadvantaged Students
(Federal Government)		Full tuitionEasy if you are poor,
a little tricky if you aren't
National Health Service CorpsFull tuitionPain in the ass - includes interview and personality test
Armed Forces ScholarshipFull tuitionEasy - These guys are desperate
Hispanic Scholarship Fund$25,000Can be difficult if you can't pass as Hispanic
Society for Left-Handers Scholarships$5,000Don't even bother if you are a righty
Louie's Guaranteed Medical LoansFull tuitionEasy, but not recommended


How much will I get?

 Of most concern to most medical students seeking aid is "How much cash can I grab?" To be honest, arriving at an answer to this question is as much a mystery to us as it is to you. However, there are some general rules of thumb:

1.The more your parents make, the less you will get.
2.The more your school costs, the more you will get.
3.The more connections your parents have with the federal government and/or your medical school, the more you will get.
4.Your awarded aid is roughly proportional to your MCAT score multiplied by the sum of your age and the difference between estimated earning potential (EEP) and pi. This is all then raised to the power of your height in centemeters.

As you can see, the majority of these generalizations are obvious, however, they are only that - generalizations. The actual algorhythm the government uses is yet to be discovered. Perhaps there isn't even one after all?

How will I pay it back?

 Before you decide to grab as much cash as you can, consider the consequences. A little known fact is that as many as 27% of medical school graduates eventually declare bankruptcy as a direct result of their student loans. Asking the government for money is not a benign decision, and in some situations you may even be better off asking the local loanshark.

For those of you not yet scared off, repayment schedules for your student loans can be mildly flexible, depending of course on the original source of funds. For those of you borrowing solely from the federal government, a few simple calculations can determine your monthly payment (as close as we can determine).

1.Total amount borrowed:
2.Years over which you wish to repay:
3.Age at graduation:
4. Expected Speciality: Internal Medicine
Surgery/Surgical Subspecialty
Pediatrics
Psychiatry
Radiology
Other
5.Number of your expected children multiplied by 50% the number of your expected grandchildren (rounded to the nearest whole number):
6.Do you currently own or have plans to own a dog?
Yes No
7.What is your favorite color?


Where do I sign the dotted line?

 So now you feel ready to sign your life away? The best place to start is to fill out a Free Application for Student Aid (FAFSA). This can be done at www.fafsa.ed.gov.

If you have further questions, we suggest you call 1-800-4-FED-AID. For really hard questions, be sure to ask for Mr. Tribble. If they deny knowledge of a Mr. Tribble, tell them the secret password is "Meka Leka Hi Meka Hinee Ho". That should get you connected.

Good luck!