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Help Wanted

Cashier
Popular New York swing club is looking for a bitchy spinster to act as an admissions cashier. All applicants are encouraged to look, talk, and act mean. Being able to make change is not essential.

Chinese Food Delivery Guy
Sketchy, third-rate chinese takeout restaurant is looking for illegal immigrants to act as delivery men. Applicants must get lost easily and are preferred to not speak more than five words in English. Special bonus for those who can sneak into dormatories to illegally distribute our menus.

General Surgeon
High-powered, high-stress surgery department seeks bitter old men to perform general surgical duties. In addition, applicants must be able to demonstrate a wide vocabulary of four letter words and the ability to direct them towards anyone at any time without warning. Good aim when throwing surgical instruments at OR nurses is a plus.

Overnight Custodian
Medical school seeks additional custodial help. Duties include sweaping the hallway, sweaping the hallway, and sweaping the hallway. Preference given to those who take the most time while remaining to look busy.

Security Guard
World famous medical center seeks qualified individuals as security personel. Duties include sitting around and watching televsion. Ability to look attentive while on the phone with a significant other is a must. Benefits include leftover food from medical center events and free access to internet pornography on library computers.

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